Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
