I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
