I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
