Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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