I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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