I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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