You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
where are you?
Hypothermia
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
