My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
