I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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