I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
