You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Randomize
