walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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