I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
