Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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