Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
