Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
