I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
