i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
