when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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