I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
