Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
