Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
