Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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