I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
