watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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