Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
