I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
