1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I will die if light touches me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
