Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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