Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
