Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
