Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
