If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
