We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Randomize