Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
