please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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