you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize