i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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