Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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