Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize