So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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