some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
