you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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