I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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