Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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