my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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