you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
