if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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