Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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