if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
