she woke up with a sticky ear
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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