if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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