today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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