Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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