come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
