Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
someone owes me an orgasm
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
