Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize