I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
organizing the empties. That sober.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
