I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
