No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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