a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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