im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
