I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
