he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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