I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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